Seeking for Laylatul Qadr

Looking forward to be in the company of them who beseech You, the Deity.

Only to You do I plead and ask.

Grant my visit Your Laylatl Qadr.

Kindly accept my humble visit and plead.

Kindly ease my intentions and cure my ails.

Forgive my wrongdoings,

Correct all of my affairs for me.

There is none worthy of worship but Thee.

Accept my seeking nearness to You,

and answer my prayer.

Grant me security on the day of fear,

from every horror You have prepared

for the Day of Judgement.

My God, I seek refuge with Your gracious self,

and Your mighty power, from (such a state)

that the days and nights

of Ramadhan reach completion,

and there still remains a sin on me,

that You will account me for,

or a mistake that You have not forgiven me.

My Master, my Master, my Master,

I ask You,

there is no god but You,

for surely there is no god but You,

If You are pleased with me in this month,

then increase that pleasure.

And if You are not pleased with me

then from now, be pleased with me.

O the most Merciful of the mercifuls!

O Allah, O One, O Needless

O He who does not give birth

and was not born,

and there is none equal to Him.

O the softener of iron for Dawood,

peace be on him.

O the remover of harm and distress

from Ayyub, peace be on him.

O the reliever of the grief of Y'aqub,

peace be on him.

O the comforter of the sorrow of Yusuf,

peace be on him.

Bless Muhammad and his family,

the way it befits You to bless them all,

and deal with me in a manner which befits You

not in a manner which befits me.

Time Doesn't Always Heal, Sometimes It Only Hides The Scars

When I look back at it all, the moment that seemed the darkest - 

when my heart was beating so hard I thought it just might break out of my chest, 

when it hurt just to breathe, 

when every inch of the dark seemed to be the best solemn to writhe in agony,

and when the flickering flame of pain ran through me every time I saw you - it all makes sense now.

You walking away happened so that I can be here now, 

and now is exactly where I'm meant to be.

Even though the journey and the destination is still pretty blurry and a work-in-process,

here is my overdue-commitment for a better me.

Thank you. 

Thank you for walking away. 

Thank you for bailing, for giving up.

Thank you for letting me go so I could find myself. 

Thank you for impacting my life in the most positive way, even if it didn't seem like that at first. 

Thank you..

Hati manusia, siapa yang jaga?

"Ya Allah, Tuhan yang menemani setiap hati yang keseorangan, yang menemani setiap yang kesepian,

Yang Maha Hampir tidak jauh, yang berkuasa tidak mampu diatasi.

Wahai yang Maha Hidup, wahai yang Berdiri Sendiri, 

Wahai yang Memiliki Keagungan dan Kemuliaan."

[ Riwayat al-Dailami ]

Terkadang (terlalu kerap) kita terlupa yang Allah yang menjaga hati setiap antara kita.

Mungkin seribu tahun pun kita yang ada depan mata, kalau sekali Allah dah tiup rasa tawar hati, dipersembah intan permata dan dirayu pun, tiada apa yang dapat kembali sama.

Dan mungkin beruntunglah mereka yang datang seterusnya.

Mungkin, seribu tahun pun berjauh pandangan, Dia tahu apa yang terbaik di kemudian hari, indeed He is the All-Knower All-Wise of everything.

Mungkin musibah adalah caraNya yang terbaik untuk memperingatkan kita memperbaiki kekurangan diri untuk lebih bersedia dengan tanggungjawab.

Mungkin musibah juga adalah caraNya yang terbaik untuk mengingatkan kita yang Dia masih sayangkan kita. Ketika Allah rindu pada hambanya, ia akan mengirimkan sebuah hadiah istimewa melalui malaikat Jibril yang isinya adalah ujian.

Malu sudah rasanya untuk merayu pada manusia, sedangkan hatinya sendiri berbolak-balik. You put all your eggs in one basket, not realizing that the basket is ripping apart from another side.

Tapi, lagi malu rasanya untuk merintih pada Allah, sedangkan hanya Dia serba serbi Maha Mengetahui khilaf kita, satu pun tak dapat tersembunyi.

Tapi, pada siapa lagi kita nak merintih untuk dijaga hati, as a better person, for a better person, kalau bukan padaNya.

Maybe it's the way He is telling you; that distance sometimes let's you know what's worth keeping, and what's worth letting go...

Here to one of those nights, again

Here to one of those sleepless nights, again
When all that you pray, is to simply have a fitful dream
Your fear needs that

Here to one of those broken nights, again
When all that you wish, is to assure that it is okay to cry one more time
Your body needs that

Here to one of those tired nights, again
When your heart couldn't find any words left to plead to Him, again...

Dua for one in distress

Allahumma laatakilnee ila'anafsi tarfa ta'een

Allahumma rahmataka arju falaa takilni illa nafsi tarfata 'aiinan, 

Wa as-ih-li sha'ni kuulahu, la illaha illa anta.

Yee Allah,

Bestow upon me blessing of Thy mercy,

Do not leave me to myself even in a blink of an eye,

Correct all of my affairs for me,

There is none worthy of worship but Thee.

Ya Allah,

Limpahkanlah aku dengan rahmat keampunanMu,

Janganlah Kau tinggalkanku dengan urusanku walau sekejap mata,

Perbetulkanlah segala urusanku untukku,

Tiada yang berhak disembah selain Kau.

I first encountered this dua phrase when I get to watch *Munafik[2016] a few weeks ago, rasa sangat tertampar betul dengan the translations. Especially the line "perbetulkanlah segala urusanku untukku", right that instance, it felt like all these while I've been toiling things around, and this is the line that was what has been missing from my dua phrases!

The immediate next day, I googled this phrase, not knowing that in fact there is a specific complete dua conveying this beautiful ayat. Beautiful indeed.

Wallahi I wept for few nights thinking how all these while I've been praying and reciting dua in my own selfish ways, I forgot the fact that;

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." 

Al-Baqarah [2:216]

Maybe all these while I've been asking duas selfishly for my own benefits in my own ways, thinking that it was for the best of all too..

Maybe this was why I still had that uneasy feelings and enmity in the back of my mind, even when He indeed granted my wishes and duas..

Ya Allah, hambaMu ini masih jahil dan sangat sedikit ilmu pengetahuanku...


Ref:
* https://youtu.be/lPCbPre_7h0

Fiddling fingers, again

It feels awkward..

To re-read your old post,

To revisit the younger you,

And to laugh at the way you foolishly used to think things back then..

It still feels awkward..

To get yourself to write again,

To fiddle your fingers on the keyboard again,

And finding the right words to really convey the thoughts and the feelings..

True, older posts are easier to hide, thanks to backspace,

And be better with next phrases.

But the older past will always stays,

And become the battlescars you embrace,

Wishing for the betterment that you yourself couldn't know what to promise.

The steps you take to be the better version of you,

The tolerance you give to get to learn the sign of the universe,
Sometimes you read the chapter out loud,

To get the support and strength you crave in order for you to move.

But most of the times, you just chant it to yourself,

And muster every ounce of strength you are left with.

And only He knows,

The countless nights you've wept yourself,

Looking at the glass, as half empty, or half full..